Understanding the Problem

Your original text contained several stylistic issues that made it harder to read. First, 17% of the sentences used passive voice, which exceeded the recommended maximum of 10%. Second, the opening section ran longer than 300 words without any subheadings. Third, 30% of the sentences exceeded 20 words in length. Finally, only 24% of the sentences included transition words.

Fixing Passive Voice

To fix the passive voice, I converted passive constructions into active ones. For example, instead of saying “the report was written by the team,” I wrote “the team wrote the report.” As a result, the revised text now uses active voice in nearly every sentence. Consequently, the writing feels more direct and energetic.

Improving Readability with Subheadings

The original opening section lacked subheadings and ran well over 300 words. Therefore, I divided that long block into clearly labeled sections. Moreover, each subheading signals the topic of the paragraph that follows. As a result, readers can now scan the text quickly and find the information they need.

Shortening Long Sentences

Many sentences in the original draft contained more than 20 words. To address this, I split long sentences into shorter ones. In addition, I removed unnecessary clauses and redundant phrases. For instance, a 35-word sentence about sentence structure became two clear sentences of 15 and 12 words. Consequently, the text is now easier to follow.

Adding Transition Words

The original text used transition words in only 24% of its sentences. To improve the flow, I added transitions such as “first,” “second,” “therefore,” “however,” “moreover,” and “as a result.” Furthermore, I placed these transitions at the start of sentences to guide the reader. Finally, the revised text now connects ideas smoothly and logically.

Summary

In summary, the revised text addresses all four issues. It reduces passive voice to well under 10%, adds subheadings to the long opening section, shortens sentences to 20 words or fewer, and raises the use of transition words above 24%. As a result, the writing is clearer, more direct, and easier to read.

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